Congratulations! You have decided that everything you know and love about entertainment is now worthless and loathsome and is making you thoroughly uncool. You are going to completely change all of your ideas about what is good entertainment to revamp your image and become a hipster.
Don’t kid yourself; the transition from mindless-zombie-slave into full-fledged hipster isn’t an easy one. Being a hipster takes hours of work but must look effortless. Luckily, I’ve taken everything you need to know about being a hipster and compiled it into this 5-step program. Follow these rules, and before you know it, all of your friends will be asking you where to get coffee and what music to listen to. Then you will be able to respond disdainfully without even thinking about it.
Step #1: Think Like A Hipster: The most important thing to realize is that everything you once enjoyed was wrong. It was entertainment for the masses, not for you. Also, start thinking you are better than everyone else. It is important to make everyone feel like you are the pinnacle of cultural capitol, and that your taste in music, books, movies, etc., is the “correct” choice.
Step #2: Talk Like a Hipster: Everything you say should start to sound very important but be entirely meaningless. Consider buying a book of quotes from unknown philosophers and inserting them into your everyday dialogue. These should be used around particularly stupid friends who will not know that you are misusing these quotations.
Step #3: Act Like a Hipster: Begin listening to music that nobody has heard of. Look for music with unintelligible lyrics. The more monotonous it sounds, the better. You must hate everything you hear on the radio. Also, the only films you like now are French New Wave and foreign cinema. If it was made in Hollywood, it is now garbage. And buy a yearly subscription to the New Yorker to display on your coffee table. It is not necessary to read the magazine, but it is essential to own copies.
Step #4: Look Like A Hipster: You should start losing weight immediately. The easiest way to do this is stop eating. Your diet should consist solely of lattés, loose-leaf tea (never from a tea bag) and Pabst Blue Ribbon beer. Begin to dress in the tightest pants you can find, and pair them with either plaid flannel shirts or vintage sweaters. If a sweater looks like something Bill Cosby would wear, it is perfect. Travel everywhere by bicycle, and be sure to roll up one pant leg when en route. (Side note: it is not necessary to roll this pant leg back down after reaching your destination.)
Step #5: Be A Hipster: You should begin to identify yourself as a hipster in your mind, but NEVER aloud. When told you are a hipster, you should act mildly offended and say something like “Oh no, I’m not a hipster, I’m just into that kind of ______.” The more vague the statement is, the better. You should be condemning the term “hipster” but exemplifying everything that goes along with it.
If you follow this program you will be well on your way to seeing everything ironically and scoffing at all of the lesser people around you. Just remember, every hipster knows they are a hipster, but would never say it out loud. Now get out there are start dissing everyone!
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